I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize