$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
