I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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