We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
