We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
