My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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