u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Your dad touched me again.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You are a genius and a whore.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
