Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
