i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
