home. puking in laundry basket.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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