dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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