i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
