I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
