Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
