Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
