I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
