I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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