Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
