please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize