walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
