Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
