Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
