i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
