I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
