I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
well you can't waste a boner
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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