Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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