My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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