Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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