I wish my penis had an off switch
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
