I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
