I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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