I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize