this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
