I could have mohawked her pubes.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
