It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
