Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
