Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
