Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
