Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
