god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
