there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
