I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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