I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Congratulations! We have a period
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