Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
