why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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