Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
