If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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