i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
