you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
