This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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