My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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