you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
