i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
