Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
