2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
