Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
