i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
