I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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