You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
