Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
