Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
