Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
