all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
