im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize